A few weeks ago, I was explaining to a frustrated friend about how healing is not linear. She was distraught because she felt as if she was having another breakdown.
I, too, have felt that way this week. I found myself crying after a week plus of not having cried once.
Oh, shit. I’m moving backwards. All that progress is lost.
I had to remind myself of what I told that friend.
“The most important thing,” I said, “Is the bounce back period. How quickly can you pick yourself back up after you break down?” It’s unrealistic to expect that we will stop being upset by something that shook us so deeply. But, what’s more important is, how long after experiencing the strong emotions are we able to return to our normal life.
Almost a month ago, well, it took me about a week to “get back to normal.” I had no routine, because I resisted one.
I’m too distraught. I can’t simply do anything. Not when I’m this upset.
All I could do was pace, and curl up in my bed, and cry hysterically, and call a friend, and then try to eat. And worry. A lot.
That was three weeks ago. And I got it back together because I tried. I started small in putting the pieces back together.
This morning, I became very upset and sobbed to my friend on the phone. “I’m so overwhelmed!” But then I was able to get off the phone with her and do the things I needed to do. A week or more ago, it would have taken me two or more hours to pull it back together.
I’m bouncing back faster. And that’s how I know I’m healing.